Bird Trouble

When I looked outside this morning I saw a cardinal, a blue jay and a woodpecker dining at my feeder, and a bluebird at the birdbath. But don't let this charming scene fool you. The truth is my family is having trouble with birds. It's not quite like "The Birds," more like "A Few Crazed Birds," but wierd enough.

It started a few weeks ago when my friend and ex-spouse Hans was driving over here--when all of a sudden, he says, a turkey vulture swooped down from the sky, put its claws around the rear-view mirror on the passenger side of his truck, yanked it completely off and flew away. It's a story you could easily doubt, but there's no disputing someone or something--like a deranged turkey vulture--removed the mirror.

Then a couple of days ago my son Max reported when he was walking from the house to his motorcycle, a hummingbird flew straight into his head, then flew away. Happily Max was already wearing his helmet; I hate to think of that long and pointy hummingbird beak anywhere near my son's head otherwise.

Now the last 24 hours a crazed female cardinal has been flinging herself into my bedroom window. The only time she stops is when the dogs or any of us are outdoors. She sits in the crepe myrtle in front of the window, chirps a little, then crashes into the window, while her handsome scarlet husband sings the familiar cardinal song on a nearby branch. Jerry first noticed this scenario yesterday morning and opened the blinds wide to see if there was a nest or baby birds on the ground, but no. There's no reason for this bird's strange behavior. I wonder if she would successfully crash through, how she would like ending up in my bedroom. Would she be delighted by the not-put-away-yet laundry on the chaise, every piece of my 7-piece red luggage stashed in the corner, the tall stack of Jerry's hobby magazines and the layer of dust on everything (after all, we do live on a gravel road)? I think she'd change her behavior instantly if only she knew what was on the other side of glass.

UPDATE 5/18: 48 hours later, the pitiful bird is still at it. Even when we scare her away, she reappears a while later. I'm very tempted to tape a picture of Dick Cheney to the window.

UPDATE 5/20: She's still at it, like clockwork at 5:30 a.m. each morning. I found a bright red Tickle Me Elmo and a scary Mickey Mouse stuffed toy and hung them by their stubby little arms in the windows. Take THAT, dumb bird!

UPDATE 5/21: Jerry decided to get serious about the situation and put big black plastic bags over the windows. Sure enough at 5:30 this morning, we heard the man cardinal's song and then the lady's chirpy call. I laid in bed all tense and waiting for the crashing to start...but it didn't. It seems the garbage bag strategy worked! Hopefully this deranged pair left. Just in case, we'll leave the plastic on the windows a little longer even though it looks pretty wierd.

UPDATE 6/8: Can you believe it? This insane bird is STILL crashing into the window--that is, the smaller middle window between the two large ones that Jerry covered with black garbage bags. Every morning at 5:30 a.m., there they are. First she makes a clicking type noise, he sings his Cardinal theme song, then CRASH. I really don't want to put a garbage bag on the only remaining window that lets the sun in. Isn't nesting season over soon? More for the sake of her tiny bird skull than for my peace of mind, I truly hope so.